The Makings of You
by Virginia Hensley
Summary: Are Jane and Maura sleeping together? They say no, but we're all wondering what's really going on.
1. Chapter 1

**Thank you so much to everyone for being so kind. I hope I can keep updating regularly. **

**For me this story is all about how people cope, mentally and physically and emotionally, with love affairs. In my mind there's a special interpretation for women, especially women who are more reserved. I wanted to explore that hidden world of insinuation and flirting and deep female feelings. This isn't necessarily about lesbianism, although it's there so don't read it if you're opposed. This is about how two people come together in love, and what kinds of transitions they have to go through in order to get there. **

_**The love of all mankind should reflect some sign **_

_**Of these words I'm trying to recite.**_

_**They're close, but not quite.**_

_**It's almost impossible to do**_

_**Describing the makings of you. - Curtis Mayfield **_

"Jane, you can tell me. I won't judge you. You've really never been with another woman?" Frost was holding his breath. Jane thought about pretending to be offended.

She finally laughed. "Frost, I'm sorry to disappoint the entire male race, but I never have."

"But how do you resist all the women who hit on you? It happens daily."

Jane would normally have been tense, but Frost was her friend. He wasn't trying to judge her, the boy was curious.

"Frost, I'm not attracted to other women, that's it. I wish I could be more exciting and live up to everyone's wild lesbian ideal of me, but I'm sorry. I have enough trouble dating men, I don't need to add more female hormones to the mix. Why? Have you ever been with another man?"

She asked him thinking he'd change the subject, but he simply said, "Yeah. Of course."

She was totally shocked by that. "Really?"

"Sure, in college. A friend of mine asked, and I was flattered. He was a great guy, a great athlete."

Jane raised her eyebrows but didn't speak.

"I'm not gay, Jane, but everyone tries it. Right?"

Jane looked at him. She adored him more in that moment than she ever had.

"Not everyone, Frost. Nice try though."

"Damn," he sighed. It was strange. He wanted to believe her. He couldn't imagine any reason she'd lie. But it felt like she was holding back.

Later, as she sipped a beer while folding her laundry, Jane wondered what the answer to that question truthfully was. Had Jane ever considered other women sexually attractive? Yes. In the Academy it was common for other women to hit on her. She wasn't attracted to any of them enough to make the first move. A few women had made that move with her. She had kissed other women. But she had never had sex with another woman and never considered another woman fully sexually appealing until she met Dr. Maura Isles.

It seemed to happen automatically, as simultaneously as Jane realized a mental interest in Maura she realized a sexual interest in her. It was deep like that. But Jane cast it aside like the crazy notion it was. Even as their acquaintance grew, Jane hardly rationalized her physical attraction to Maura. Although it struck her sometimes overwhelmingly strong and sudden, as Maura would smirk or toss her hair, Jane was not one to put logic to her feelings. In her mind it was vaguely sacrilegious if not career suicide.

The night that Jane escaped from Hoyt and killed his first apprentice, Maura was waiting for her at her apartment. Jane had just brushed off Agent Dean and she was inordinately happy to see Maura holding a baby turtle in an aquarium. When they came back from the bar they were both heavily intoxicated. Usually Jane wouldn't get so drunk with someone. She was unaccustomed to feeling such safety with a person, especially a tiny woman who seemed rather frail for all other purposes. Maura followed Jane into the apartment and put her hand on the small of Jane's back so that she could guide her through the debris that had been Jane's belongings.

It was dark in the bedroom, the only light came from the bathroom where Jane instinctively went. As Jane turned in the lit doorway of the bathroom, Maura looked directly into her eyes and they froze. Both breathing heavily from their walk up Jane's stairs, they now let their breathing slow.

Finally Maura spoke, "Let me run you a hot bath, Jane. I don't want to leave you alone. Maybe I could ... " she felt shy suddenly although she and Jane had slept in the same bed before, and it didn't seem unusual in the circumstances for her to spend the night.

"Stay?" Jane finally finished her question.

Maura nodded and Jane nodded and they both smiled.

Maura moved past Jane and began running the hot water in the bathtub.

Jane leaned against the sink and unbuttoned her shirt and removed it.

Maura was acutely aware of Jane undressing but she focused on preparing the bath with her back slightly turned.

Jane hesitated after removing her shoes and socks and unbuckling her pants. She considered Maura, who seemed uninterested but didn't look like she was leaving.

Finally Maura knew she had to speak. She didn't want. She closed her eyes.

"I don't want to leave you. Is that silly? I let you out of my sight earlier and you were nearly tortured and murdered."

Jane laughed despite the panic still clinging to her muscles. She shook off her pants and panties, and shrugged off her tank top and bra.

Maura rocked back on her heels when Jane stepped past her and sat gracefully in the hot water. She found herself suddenly very hot in the ears and dimly realizing the hardening of her nipples. She averted her gaze as much as possible, but naked Jane was hard not to stare at. When Maura saw one of Jane's many bruises from the corner of her eye, her hesitation was overridden by her desire to doctor Jane, and she found herself kneeling with Jane's arm outstretched between them. She was pressing her palm against Jane's torso asking, "Does this hurt?"

"No." Jane was dimly surprised by how relaxed she was, given her day and the current situation.

Maura bit her lip as she moved her palm against the front of Jane's abdomen. "Does this hurt?"

"No," Jane reached to touch Maura's hand, "I'm okay, Maura." She smiled, "I'm okay."

Maura exhaled. Jane was holding her hand against her naked body. She closed her eyes, and pulled her hand away.

"You should soak. I'll leave you alone for now so you can relax."

Jane glanced at Maura to try to understand her thoughts. Maura had moved to sit on the toilet and was stealing glances at Jane. For the first time in their relationship Jane actually considered sleeping with Maura. Almost immediately she saw Hoyt in her mind, and she felt the world shake and spin. She was honestly definitely interested in Maura sexually. She just couldn't deny that Maura's hands on her naked body had elicited a strong desire in her. She decided her day had been exciting enough and it could wait. Just as she turned to ask Maura for a towel, she noticed from her angle that Maura was not wearing panties.

Jane felt a white hot desire take hold of her body. She gripped the sides of the tub subconsciously and sucked in her breath. The image of Maura's naked sex between her soft pale thighs was burned in her vision. The muscles in her thighs tightened as a searing wave of lust raked across her. Her sudden movement caused Maura to leap to her side and put her arms around Jane's shoulders.

"Janie, are you okay?" Maura was in such a panic that she didn't think of having called Jane by her petname.

Jane felt her nipples grow so hard it hurt. In her mind she was still looking up Maura's skirt and wanting so badly to touch her. And she was naked and Maura was holding her and whispering in her ear, "What's wrong? Please, talk to me."

Jane cleared her throat. It sounded strange, strangled, like she was upset. "I need a towel. Will you get clothes from my bedroom?"

Maura felt so relieved to be told what to do, she immediately let go of Jane and did as she asked.

After Maura brought Jane some clothes she asked to be alone. Maura felt so childish having to be told to leave the bathroom so her best friend could get dressed. She went into the bedroom and undressed herself. She didn't need a bath, she'd showered before going to the petstore. She borrowed a t-shirt from Jane to wear and upon remembering she wasn't wearing panties underneath her skirt, some shorts as well. Jane seemed to take a long time getting dressed, and Maura found herself waiting in the bed for so long she almost called for her.

When Jane finally emerged from the bathroom, she turned out the lights and got into bed.

Maura spoke first. "I'm sorry I watched you bathe. It seems embarrassingly odd now, but I ..." Maura was shocked to realized she was almost considering telling the truth. The truth was she had been thinking about kissing Jane since the bar, and had found herself thoroughly plagued by ideas of wrapping her arms around Jane now that they were so close in bed. "I ... feel like being close to you tonight."

Jane knew Maura wanted to hold her, but she was trying to avoid it. She was feeling incredibly sinful for the thoughts she'd been having on a loop since she caught that advantageous angle. She was getting very uncomfortable by the time she blurted, "Maura, why aren't you wearing underwear?"

Maura stiffened. That wasn't what she expected Jane to ask. "What?"

Jane cleared her throat. "It was an accident. I saw. From the tub. Up your..." Jane's sudden confession went limp.

Maura was so grateful that it was dark. "I didn't think anyone would be looking, Jane." She said in her detached informative tone.

Jane felt a pang of guilt. "I said it was an accident, Maura. I'm not a pervert."

Maura immediately softened. "Jane."

"Not that..."

"Stop. Jane, I'm so sorry you accidentally saw up my skirt. Honey, I was in a hurry getting ready, I know it's uncouth. I would never intentionally make you uncomfortable. And I know you wouldn't intentionally," she hesitated. The point was to make Jane feel comfortable with her feelings. "...look up my skirt."

Maura slid forward and ran her hands down Jane's back. She wasn't sure, given the current conversation, if wrapping her arms around Jane would send the wrong signal. She wanted to keep Jane from spinning into a guilt-a-thon for glancing up her skirt. Truth be told, she was not unhappy Jane had seen, just unhappy at the idea she hadn't liked it.

Jane relaxed a little because she knew Maura was cajoling her. That meant Maura was comfortable with what she'd said. When she felt Maura's fingers run down her back, she accepted the touch more willingly than she would've imagined. She exhaled and waited for Maura to embrace her. She realized she wanted Maura to embrace her. After a few minutes of silence, Jane slid back against Maura's body and rubbed her shoulders in a snuggling motion until Maura wrapped her arms around her chest. She grinned, suddenly thrilled at her success.

For Maura's part, she was so grateful for Jane's gestures of acceptance that she wrapped her arms tightly around her and placed her face protectively against Jane's back.

They didn't sleep.

After an hour Maura asked Jane if she wanted to get out of bed.

"No."

"My arm is getting tired," Maura almost whined, "can we roll over?"

Jane smiled and rolled to reverse their positions. The second Jane put her arms around Maura she saw the image in her mind again. Maura's skirt.

_Don't do this_, she thought. _Jane, don't do this. _

Maura's thighs.

_This is crazy. This is ridiculous. _

Maura's sex. Yes. It looked soft. She wanted to touch Maura there. She wanted to kiss her there.

That's when Jane realized she couldn't stop herself. She felt her fingers twitching against Maura's torso. She thought dimly she should be more scared. She moved her hand down to Maura's hip, underneath the band of her shorts, and Maura's skin felt amazing. The way Maura's body fit so perfectly against hers intoxicated her. She was breathing heavily by the time she stopped to consider if Maura wanted this, too.

One glance at Maura's silhouette in the darkness answered her question. She was aware of Maura's chest slightly heaving, and finally her chin turned up to look at Jane's face behind her. Her hand moved to cover Jane's on her hip.

"Janie?" There it was again, the petname.

"Maura?" Maura felt for sure Jane was going to kiss her, but it wasn't happening.

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you wearing panties?" Jane's voice was filled with growing desire, yet intent.

Maura grew red again and was thankful for the dark. She rubbed her ass suggestively against Jane's thighs. "This again?"

Jane moved her face to smell Maura's hair. She had never felt so aroused in her life. Every one of her sensors was overloading. She slid her hand out of Maura's grip and retracted it from her body.

Losing Jane's touch aggravated Maura and she asked quickly, reaching for her retreating arm, "Jane, what do you want?"

Jane's hand found Maura's wrist and held it still. "Tell me."

Maura sighed. She was defeated. She didn't like the position she was in. She tried once more to entice Jane into kissing her by laying her head on the pillow and stretching out her neck. She pretending to be annoyed and frustrated. "Tell you what?"

"Maura," Jane's tone was intense as she grabbed her by the hip and her fingers dug into Maura's soft muscles through the thin fabric of her borrowed cotton shorts.

Maura gasped and automatically pushed her body against Jane's. "Christ!" she yelped.

Maura's head was still down, and Jane put her face close against her ear so aggressively it shocked her. "Admit it."

Maura's body was so aroused it was now causing her discomfort. She tried again to move, but Jane held her tightly in place against her.

"I am not wearing panties because I like to fantasize..." she paused.

"Tell me." Jane punctuated her command with a kiss on Maura's ear.

Eager to receive more kisses, Maura hurriedly finished, "About you putting your hand up my skirt."

Jane continued to kiss Maura's neck to cover her shock at the fact that Maura regularly fantasized about her. She had obviously suspected Maura wasn't the type to casually forget to dress herself completely, but she would never have suspected how regularly and graphically Maura had imagined their coupling.

Maura was whining, struggling her entire body against Jane for a more comfortable proximity, "I like to imagine you doing it discretely where no one will know, only us."

"How often do you think about this, Maura?" Jane released Maura's wrist and started to rub her side and stomach lightly.

Maura was annoyed. "Seriously, Jane? Seriously?"

"Mmmhmm," was Jane's only reply as she sucked Maura's earlobe into her mouth.

Maura hissed. Her thighs clenched painfully. She gripped Jane's hand and slipped it under her shirt to cover her breasts with it. "Please," she muttered, half drowsy with desire.

"Tell me," Jane instructed, though she was losing her resolve as her fingers slowly accepted the softness of Maura's breasts under her hand.

"Jane, I have wanted this since the first time I saw you. You know that. I am always," she sucked in her breath when Jane gripped her nipple, "dressing up for you and," she moaned when Jane released her ear and softly bit her neck, "trying to get your attention."

"And that's why you're not wearing panties? You wanted to get my attention?" Jane relented a little then, knowing this last confession would be the hardest although it was the most obvious.

"I didn't make you look up my skirt, Jane." Although this is what Maura had hoped for, she still had to somewhat defy Jane's righteousness at the moment.

Jane smiled. She began to stroke Maura's breasts, then her torso, then her belly. Maura's head fell back as her mind struggled to remember every detail of how Jane was taking her. Finally Jane's hand slid under the waist of her shorts and came to stroke her above her thighs. Maura instinctively spread her legs so Jane could explore her. The maneuver filled Jane's body with excitement as she realized she was going to have sex with Dr. Maura Isles. She pulled Maura's shirt and shorts off and tossed them on the floor, then accompanied them with her own clothes.

They resumed their position, and slowly Jane's fingertips pushed apart Maura's folds. She was so wet Jane barely had to rub against her to make her groan. When Maura threw her thigh over Jane's leg to allow her entrance, Jane felt a heat of emotional attachment warming her. She stopped to stroke Maura's thigh adoringly and kiss her neck. Maura was waiting and finally asked, "Janie?" before turning her face back to find Jane waiting to kiss her.

There was no awkward pretense to their kissing. Jane was thrilled to find herself fully into kissing Maura this way. Maura, on the other hand, was hot and really bothered although of course she relished in the sweetness of Jane's chosen first kiss. She considered stopping to make out when Jane's fingers once again felt their way against her entrance. Then she knew Jane wanted to be kissing her when she entered her, and that realization sent her emotionally over the edge. As she thrust her tongue into Jane's mouth, so Jane pushed her fingers inside Maura's center.

The feeling was enormous. Jane didn't feel self conscious about never having done it before as she thought she might. Maura made her feel so desired and so empowered, she found herself making the transition from friend to lover entirely painless. Soon she was stroking Maura's coils from inside her and loving the way Maura licked her lips when she couldn't reach her face to kiss her. Then Maura was trembling, murmuring Jane's name, and somehow urgently begging her. Jane quickly shifted her position fully between Maura's legs and pushed two fingers as far inside her as she could. Maura groaned and wrapped her arms around Jane's shoulders.

They rocked that way for a while before Maura couldn't handle it any longer, and she came with her fingers wrapped in Jane's hair, pulling her into a fierce kiss.

Jane stayed laying on top of Maura's body because she liked the way it felt. She kept her fingers inside her for the same reason.

Eventually Maura whispered against her ear, "Thank you, Jane. I hope you wanted that. I needed it to be your decision."

Jane slowly slid her fingers from between Maura's legs. She rubbed through Maura's folds for a second before laying back down against her body. "I like being with you this way, Maura. But I don't understand why it took my near murder to draw this out of you. Why didn't you say something?"

Maura found herself petting Jane then, petting her hair and her back and her beautiful ass. She tried to find the right explanation, but her exploration of Jane's delicious butt was distracting her.

"You mean a lot to me, Jane, a lot more than this. Although I have enjoyed this for what it is, I won't ever risk losing you."

"What do you mean, Maura?" Jane pulled up to look down at Maura's face. She also slid her bottom against Maura's appraising hands in the motion.

Maura smiled at Jane's approval of her touch and continued to pet her there. "I mean, sex is sex. It comes and goes. But you in my life is forever."

Jane didn't like the sound of that. "Does that mean sex isn't important to you?"

"It means you're important to me. Keeping you in my life, no matter what, is most important."

"So, what are you saying, Maur?" Jane was losing her patience.

"I'm saying that you leaving my life is not a possibility so I don't endanger our relationship by asking you for sex. But days like today, when I get so afraid of losing you, it's hard not to beg you for this kind of intimacy." She made her point by squeezing Jane's ass with both hands.

Jane wanted to know more, wanted to ask Maura what it all meant to her, but Maura was busy turning them over. Soon Jane was on her back with Maura pushing her legs apart. Her hands slid down subconsciously and Maura intertwined their fingers. She glanced up at Jane from her position between her legs and smiled an incandescently loving smile.

"Janie?"

Jane raised her eyebrows in response.

Maura suddenly caught herself before saying those awful words. She pressed her face against Jane's thigh to steady herself emotionally. She decided to just get to work, so she began kissing Jane's thighs toward her heat. Then she stretched her tongue to probe inside Jane, and her taste and smell were exhilarating. Maura considered how drunk might still be, quickly calculating her blood alcohol level, before accepting that being with Jane this way was affecting her mind.

"Maur? Oh. Oh. Oh, Maura." Soon Jane forgot if Maura was going to say something.

Soon Maura abandoned her inhibitions and put her entire effort toward pleasing Jane. She released Jane's right hand so she could slip inside her. One finger was all she dared, and gently she slowly slid into Jane's throbbing core. The heat drove her wild, and she watched herself pushing in again and again. Soon she began to lose herself in the effort, tenderly kissing and licking Jane until she felt Jane's hands in her hair. Then she slipped another finger into her wet center and sucked Jane's pulsating clit into her warm mouth.

"Maura!" Jane had never come for a man like that. She had never come like that at all. She closed her eyes because the room was spinning again, but not from terror this time. As Maura removed from her thighs and crawled up to kiss her, Jane wondered if she was crying. The entire situation was so intense to her at the moment. Waves of rolling heat still surged from her core.

"Jane?"

"Maura?"

They were only holding each other, still rubbing each other's bodies, still kissing.

"Jane?"

"Maura?"

Jane pulled her into a solid hold and finally they relaxed. They were both wondering what the hell to say and finally Maura asked, "Water?"

And Jane replied, "No. Just let me hold you."

It was past three p.m. when she woke up alone. The note on her pillow read

_You're not allowed to leave my life, Jane. Whatever you can give me is what I want and whatever you can't give me is what I'll never ask you for. I hope you understand. _

Jane didn't understand. But things didn't change between them. So Jane kept the note in her night stand, and they didn't sleep together again for almost eight months.


	2. Chapter 2

Maura Isles always had a plan. She prided herself on the fact that she thought reasonably, set her emotions aside when calculating the possible outcomes of every situation. It wasn't as if she didn't consider her emotions, she considered them the most sacred and private thing in her world. That's why when it came to her emotions, she was guarded. And her plans were some vague effort at protecting herself. She could admit that, but not to just anyone. It was possible she had trouble trusting people, but there were people she trusted. Like Jane. So when it came to Jane and her emotions, however closely knit they might have become, Maura was incredibly careful, to say the least.

It was obvious to Maura that she and Jane were attracted to each other sexually and mentally. But their options for relationships were limited. They worked together. They knew all the same people, had the same friends. Maura was now inextricably involved with the Rizzoli family. There was the lesbian thing, the social status thing, the danger in their jobs thing, and the worst thing of all - Maura was starting to really grow feelings for Jane. When she first made her plan to never date Jane Rizzoli, because of the apparent complications, she wasn't expecting to want so badly to do all the activities that comprise dating.

The answer to this conundrum plagued Maura. After they slept together Maura was hesitant to accept any dates with men. But she couldn't keep on that way forever, and after considering that she and Jane had to proceed with their lives sometime, she decided to start dating again. It was not easy at first. She was often so critical of the guys that she drove them away on the first date. Any of them who persisted she immediately diagnosed with some terrible disease. One thing that Maura was grateful for was that Jane didn't seem jealous. Jane had displayed jealous traits before, Maura told herself, and she didn't want her to start acting possessive. That's what she told herself at first. But finally she was curious, why wasn't Jane jealous?

Jane Rizzoli never had a plan. She was a guttural person, a woman who ran on instinct. That worked out great for her most of the time. The only problem was that Jane was dense when it came to emotion. She still felt awkward telling her parents she loved them. With men she pretended interest in them to avoid talking about herself. When they finally wanted her to feel for them, she hastily broke it off. Jane didn't like the idea of having to care about anyone. Except Maura, but that was different. She trusted Maura. With Maura Jane didn't feel like she was obligated to listen about her day or act interested in her stories. Jane adored hearing about Maura's day, and remembered every detail of all the stories Maura had told her.

It would have never crossed Jane's mind, in the beginning, to date Maura. The idea of dating another woman was just too much to wrap her mind around. And anyway, they were already doing all the things they would do if they were dating. Except having sex. But they flirted, they snuggled, they slept in the same bed, and they comforted each other by embracing. Once or twice Maura had surprised Jane by innocently kissing her cheek. One night they accidentally kissed when Maura was walking Jane to her car. They hugged, then kissed, as if they were a married couple. They immediately laughed and blushed together, and Jane went home uncomfortably turned on. Jane was slightly bothered when she saw men hitting on Maura, but Maura was a grown woman. She knew being her best friend meant wanting Maura to be happy.

The first time Maura and Jane fought, it was over the Fairfield case. Jane was deeply wounded by Maura's apparent camaraderie with the Fairfields. Maura couldn't understand how the Fairfields were different than any of their other friends. She paid them the respect she felt they were due. In Jane's mind she was sickened by their money and status. It brought up a lot of ideas about Maura's own money and status that she was uncomfortable with. Jane coached herself not to be jealous, but she had to talk to Maura. When she tried to ask Maura what was happening, Maura snapped at her, and Jane walked out feeling like a filthy urchin who had appealed to a beautiful princess and been rejected.

Although Jane told herself there was nothing she could do to change her or Maura's social status, she felt her pride diminishing in the face of all the Fairfields had to offer her.

Maura knew she had to correct her mistake, and she not only invited Jane to the Fairfield event, but she also bought Jane a lovely outfit. During the evening, Maura found herself thinking about what Jane meant to her. It had been easy for her to suppress her feelings for Jane as long as Jane suppressed hers. Something about Jane needing her approval and wanting her favor, it made things complicated. Maura wanted to tell Jane the Fairfields meant nothing to her and Jane meant the world. However she couldn't get the speech going in her mind without it eventually culminating in admitting her feelings, and that was not an option. Telling Jane she loved her would only scare her away or set up a situation where they agreed on loving each other. Either way, Maura just couldn't face it. So, feeling unusually overcome by cowardice which stopped her from simply saying what was on her mind, Maura slipped out of her panties in the bathroom and stashed them in her purse.

When Maura returned from the bathroom she didn't see Jane anywhere. She wandered through what was left of the event guests toward the sound of a piano being played. Maura didn't see Jane anywhere, and when she stepped through the crowd her breath was taken away by the sight of Jane sitting on the bench. She was playing the Claire de Lune, beautifully. Slowly Maura approached her and stood at her side, absolutely enraptured.

Jane tried not to smile when she felt Maura watching her. The idea of showing off for Maura made her gruff. She couldn't admit that Maura's approval meant anything to her, but she felt her body grow hot when Maura sat down beside her on the bench. She continued to play perfectly although her heart was suddenly racing. Maura was sitting very close.

Maura looked on entranced. She couldn't stop herself from staring at Jane's hands. Dually she thought of Jane's scars, which represented all of who Jane was -her anger her love her valor, and she thought of Jane's adept fingers and how they had pleased her, had been inside her. Somehow she was aware of her hand on the small of Jane's back. Slowly her other hand moved to Jane's thigh.

When Jane finished the song she turned to Maura who turned to look at her in return. It was strange, the stillness between them. Self consciously Jane glanced around to see if they had an audience. Most of the crowd had dissipated or were now congregating elsewhere. The people in the room were mostly absorbed in their conversations.

"I had no idea," Maura started to say, but her voice sounded so sexual she stopped.

Jane grinned. She hadn't imagined before that Maura could undo the damage to her pride, but now she felt pretty proud with Maura nearly drooling over her. Maura's hand was still resting on Jane's thigh. Her eyes were full of blatant attraction. Maura's gaze fell when Jane grinned at her, she just couldn't meet her eyes.

Finally Jane spoke. "After Hoyt ... hurt me ... I didn't know if I would be able to play anymore. I was scared, and honestly tonight is the first time I've tried. I guess I'm okay." She was still grinning.

Maura still couldn't raise her eyes. "You're more than okay, Jane. You're perfect. A monster like Hoyt could never change that."

Jane looked at Maura. At first she thought Maura was being shy, then it crossed her mind Maura was looking at her skirt.

Jane glanced around them. She wanted to feel incredibly sinful, but the idea of putting her hand up Maura's skirt in the Fairfield mansion did something huge for her hubris. She felt downright cocky when she slid her hand over Maura's thigh and gripped it.

Maura dug her fingers into Jane's dress on her back and looked up into her eyes. She could not speak.

Slowly Jane moved her touch upward, casting glances over Maura's shoulder to make sure no one was watching. When she felt Maura's bare skin she had to close her eyes. She stopped there to catch her breath.

Maura made a sound in her throat like a plea. That surprised her, and her face turned slightly pink.

"Jane, do it." She said with her eyes downcast. She was almost ashamed of how badly she wanted her right then. She wasn't ashamed to be disrespecting the Fairfields or to be caught socially doing what they were doing, she was ashamed of how completely attracted to Jane she was. She felt totally powerless, and that wasn't a common feeling for her.

"Hug me," Jane said, feigning innocence, still smiling because she was in control and that was enthralling.

Maura gratefully leaned forward and put her arms around Jane's shoulders. To anyone who looked on, they were only hugging.

Maura's hips shifted enough for Jane to slip her fingertips between her lips. Gently she rubbed her up and down, overwhelmed by how wet Maura was. Maura's breath came out so hot against her ear, until finally she slipped one finger inside Maura. She hadn't intended to go this far, but now she was intoxicated by how intensely her body was reacting to Maura.

"Maura?"

They froze. Fairfield was calling her from across the room. She held up her hand to signal she was coming.

"Jane?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you, but we have to stop." Maura chanced a quick kiss against Jane's cheek.

"Can I drive you home?" Jane asked, her voice full of intention.

Maura was so grateful she didn't try to hide her happiness. "Yes, please."

And they went to say goodbye to the Fairfields.

They didn't talk in the car or on the way up to Maura's house. Maura led the way into her home without hesitating, and although Jane felt somewhat nervous, she followed Maura's retreating form with growing desire. Maura walked straight through the bedroom and said simply over her shoulder, "wait on the bed." Jane was surprised, but she finally did sit on the bed. She didn't undress.

In the bathroom Maura was struggling to collect herself. She was asking herself what she was doing. She was not able to come up with any answers as she slipped out of her dress and nervously fussed with her hair and makeup. She slipped back into her panties because she felt too aware of her nudity. She was suddenly plagued with anxieties of how Jane was feeling and what Jane was thinking. Finally she sighed and leaned her head back to meditate. After a few moments she emerged to find Jane still dressed and sitting on the bed nervously.

Jane licked her lips unconsciously when she saw Maura in her lingerie.

Although the gesture was slightly encouraging for Maura, she was still so unsure.

"Jane?"

"Mmmmhmmm?" Jane was distracted looking at Maura's large breasts straining against the lace of her bra.

"We should talk. I mean, should we talk?" Maura's hands began to nervously move to her hips.

Jane only looked at her and nodded. She wanted to feel safe with Maura, but those words had always burned her in the past.

Maura, sensing that Jane was worried, moved to straddle Jane's lap. Jane accepted her with her arms around Maura's waist. She played with the ends of Maura's long hair that hung down her back.

"I think we need rules, Jane. If we're going to do this again, we should establish some order. I think what we're doing is dangerous, we're endangering our friendship and our lives by doing this. So, we should contain this, just to protect each other. I can't stand the thought of things going badly between us, or getting complicated or awkward. I need you to always be my best friend."

Jane, who had been listening intently with her head down, felt so happy to hear Maura's words that she raised her face immediately to kiss her. It was sweet, gentle, gracious.

"Okay," Maura tried to catch her breath. "So, let's talk rules."

Jane leaned back on her arms and Maura started unbuckling the belt over Jane's dress. Jane kicked off her heels and Maura reached beneath her dress to unlatch her bra and slide it out of her way. She pulled down the shoulders of Jane's dress so that she was bare above the waist.

"First rule," Maura said, realizing she was going to have to make the first rule, "This doesn't interfere with our friendship or our lives. If it does, we have to stop. We can't risk those things."

"Agreed." Jane said. She started to stroke Maura's thighs and rock her hips slightly against Maura who still sat straddling her lap. Although Jane hadn't yet added much of her own opinion, she was thinking and trying to communicate herself.

"Second rule, " Jane spoke carefully, "What happens in our bedrooms, stays in our bedrooms. If we ever define this, or even really talk about it, we're going to have to live with it. Then the first rule will be broken."

Maura was surprised by Jane's logic. She knew her Jane was smart but now she felt newly attracted to her mental ability.

"Good one." Maura said before leaning forward to begin kissing Jane's breasts. She tenderly sucked Jane's nipples into her mouth and nibbled them.

Jane leaned back on her elbows and let Maura worship her body.

"So," Maura was gaining a lot of her confidence back through Jane's encouragement. She no longer felt overcome with anxiety about her feelings, she now felt like they were in control their actions. "We agree. This doesn't interfere with us. What happens in bed stays in bed."

"One more thing," Jane added. She was now feeling the pulsing of her heart and she wanted to hurry and make love to Maura. "No one should ever know but us. No matter how much they love us, they'll ask questions we can't answer. This is just between us."

Afterward they would both see these rules as being driven by denial, at the time they felt happy and close and safe together with their rules. They made love slowly, taking more time than before to enjoy one another's bodies. Although they had fought for the first time the day before, they did not make love with the intention of working out their feelings. They were calm and felt like they could take their time to enjoy themselves. Afterwards Maura brought wine for them. Maura sat between Jane's legs and leaned into her body. Jane reciprocated with her face against Maura's head and her free hand absently petting Maura's sex as she sipped her wine.

"Why do you think we do this?" Jane finally asked.

Maura thought. There were so many answers to that question. "Because we want to."

"No, I asked why you think we do this."

"I think ... " Maura thought. I think I love you. I think I really, really love you. "I don't know. I really don't."

"When you're taking your panties off so that I can put my hand up your skirt, you don't know why you're doing it?" Jane wasn't trying to accuse her, she just wanted to know.

"Well, sometimes I want to talk to you but I can't find the words. Like tonight. I wanted to tell you that it's so crazy to think the Fairfields could ever mean more to me than you. You are everything to me. Money and influence are nothing to me because they are nothing to you. If you were a queen I would love how you rule your kingdom but I would not love your gold. It's Jane I'm into, not the badge or your family or anything else. Just Jane. A million Fairfields could never amount to that. That's why I didn't realize automatically how I had upset you. I thought you knew ... what I couldn't say."

She felt slightly victorious in that she didn't say the words. But she did say 'love' twice and Jane could be getting ready to bolt.

Jane smirked. She had been on an emotional roller coaster since she found out Maura used to date one of the Fairfield brothers. Now she was calm and felt safe, and it was only then she could see what her motivation had been. She could see then how jealous she had been, and how desperately she had needed Maura's encouragement and support. In the back of her mind, something was urging her to press the issue, but overall she felt that she had pushed her luck far enough. Overall she felt so glad to have Maura in any way that she could.

"Thank you, Maura. Thank you." She kissed her shoulder. "That means so much."


	3. Chapter 3

Jane and Maura's rules worked remarkably well for them the first few months. They never talked about what they were doing, they simply did it. Either Jane would come home to her apartment and find Maura waiting naked, or Jane would show up at Maura's place with a bottle of wine. Jane liked drinking beer when they were only hanging out, so whenever Maura saw her with wine she knew Jane had something recreational in mind.

For months they continued to have sex privately and live their public lives separately without any major upset. Even the fact that they both regularly dated men did not interfere with their secret time together. If either of them began to get uncomfortable they deferred to the rules, and that settled it.

But when the murder of a young woman caused Jane to have to pretend to be a lesbian, she and Maura had a reason to discuss whether or not they would ever choose a lesbian lifestyle. Jane thought it would be too weird, yet she resented Maura saying she wouldn't be the man and wasn't her type. Maura said she didn't mind the idea of living her life with a female partner and didn't know what the big deal was.

"Of course there would be obstacles," Maura stated solidly, "but most relationships have obstacles. True love is about enduring things together and not falling apart."

Skeptically Jane had asked her if she was willing to be called 'lesbian' and bare such intense criticism of her personal life. Looking at her intently, and feeling rather brave, Maura had said, "For the right person, I would do anything. I wouldn't have a choice, if I was in love."

The mere mental image of Maura in love with another woman made Jane's skin hot from jealousy, and she hastily changed the subject.

When Jane finally trapped the murderer by tricking her into kissing Jane's neck, Maura was visibly irked.

"Maura, I didn't meet a woman. I caught a murderer." She said, trying not to smile as Maura swabbed her neck.

"Obviously." Maura said tightly."You already said you would never date another woman."

"I said," Jane started, suddenly aware she was defending herself, "That I couldn't imagine a reason I would choose to endure the kind of criticism and ridicule that lesbians endure, simply for who they chose to sleep with. It's a lot more than living your life with another woman, it's the fact that for some reason it pisses people off. Or they feel like they can talk openly about your sex life, your personal feelings, and your relationship problems. I mean, it's cruel. And I am already touchy about discussing my private life. Plus, if I really lo-" she hesitated, "lo-" her voice shrank, "liked a woman, I would personally want ... to protect her. I'd want to protect her from all that, from people and how mean they can be." Jane ended plaintively, and guiltily averted her eyes.

Although Maura understood for the first time where Jane was coming from, she couldn't stop herself from replying sharply, "I would hope you'd love an _emotionally mature woman _who cared about you enough to accept the responsibility of all that."

Maura's tone was harder than she realized, and Jane suddenly felt backed into a corner. Until that moment, Jane had really believed she and Maura were in agreement about the fact that they weren't lesbians. She heard herself snapping at Maura harshly, "That's easy to say, Maura, but would you? Honestly? Would you sacrifice everything for someone?"

"Yes!" She looked directly into Jane's eyes, but immediately her anger turned to sadness, "Yes, I would."

Maura turned her back to Jane because she couldn't stop the tears forming in her eyes.

"Maura," Jane walked up behind her and wrapped her arms around Maura's shoulders to pull her into a hug.

Maura refused to acknowledge that Jane had upset her. "What?"

"I don't know what we're even arguing about here. I don't know what you want me to say, Maur." She hugged her protectively and slowly her hands began to rub Maura's shoulders, her fingers gripping in a nearly sensual way.

Maura sighed. She didn't think, at the moment, she could make herself any clearer. She reached up to loosen Jane's arms until they fell. Over her shoulder she replied flatly, "That's apparent, Jane."

"What-?" Jane began to ask but the phone ringing cut her off. Maura was grateful for the interruption and went immediately to answer it. It was the DNA confirmation, and Jane had no choice but to leave then and arrest two murderers.

That evening Jane was at station house later than she wanted to be. When she was finally finished with her paperwork, she hurried home where she really hoped Maura was waiting on her. She stopped to grab a bottle of Merlot on the way, and she was totally unaware of the fact that she was holding her breath when she opened her apartment door. Her stomach sank when she didn't see Maura waiting as she usually did on her living room couch. Stubbornly she searched her bedroom, although she felt in her gut that Maura was not there and not coming.

She pulled out her phone and sent Maura a text.

_Busy tonight? I've got Merlot. _

There was an uneasiness steadily growing in her stomach. She felt like she had waited forever for Maura to reply, but it was only ten minutes later when her phone chimed in that familiar way that had always made Jane's heart jump.

_Yes, busy. Not tonight. _

Jane tried at first to tell herself it was not a big deal. Maura had a life, and it wasn't abnormal for her to be busy. But she had never declined an offer of sex before. As the tension in Jane's stomach grew tighter, she tried helplessly to keep herself calm. She typed out another text although she had no right to implore.

_Got company?_

She sat on her couch for half an hour waiting for a reply. Then, feeling incredibly foolish for being suddenly so emotionally and mentally overwrought, she opened the Merlot and drank it directly from the bottle.

Maura had decided to spend the night with the sexy pediatrician, Jacob, who had been adamantly dating her for a month. After her cold encounter with Jane she told herself she needed to feel desired and appreciated. Somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered if she was sleeping with this guy to punish Jane, but considering that Jane had callously refused to admit having feelings for her only a few hours earlier, she doubted if Jane would even care.

It was nearly two when she walked Jacob to the door and leaned up to kiss him goodbye.

Sweetly he asked when he was going to see her again, and she tried to hide her disinterest by leaning in to kiss him again.

"Soon, Jacob," she did not exactly lie, "I had a good time tonight." That part was truth enough. It had felt good to have dinner with someone who wasn't continuously looking over her shoulder to see if anyone was watching although she felt that her part in the sex had been halfhearted at best and guilty at worse.

Maura barely had time to get back in bed before she heard the door open and close. Her stomach suddenly tightened because she knew only Jane had a key. She hopped out of bed and locked her bedroom door. Quickly she stripped out of her lingerie and pulled on some yoga pants and a t-shirt. She was hastily trying to remake the other side of her bed when she heard the doorknob turn and catch.

"Whatthehell" she heard Jane mutter. She stood alert and waited, wondering why Jane was drunk.

Jane twisted the knob again, and again it didn't give. She shoved the door a little and Maura started.

"Jane? What are you doing here? Have you been drinking?" Maura asked nervously.

"When I said lock the door, I meant the front door." Jane said ironically.

Casting a final guilty glance around her room, Maura finally went to unlock the door.

Jane was leaning heavily against the frame, and looked up at her jealously when she opened the door.

Instantly Maura shivered against the highly possessive way Jane had looked at her. She turned and walked away, climbed on the bed, and picked up her book from the nightstand. She pretended to resume reading it although she suspected that her jig was up.

Jane stood slumped in the door watching her with a mixture of sadness and frustration and growing anger, fueld mostly by self hatred.

Finally, Maura couldn't handle Jane's gaze added to her own guilt any longer and she snapped, "What, Jane?"

Jane stood straight and her face looked angry. Slowly she untangled from the door frame and moved to the bed. When she was beside it she reached down to snatch Maura's book.

"Don't be an ass, Jane." Maura was really surprised to see Jane this way. Although she had seen Jane in many states of upset and angry, she had honestly never seen her acting so completely unhinged.

"That's right!" The volume of Jane's voice was steadily rising, "I should act like an_ 'emotionally mature woman'_, right?"

Maura felt her stomach turn over because Jane was accurately using her own words against her.

"Is that how you acted tonight?" Jane leaned down to look into Maura's face. "Did you act like an _'emotionally mature woman' _tonight?"

"Jane Rizzoli, you may not yell at me, no matter how upset are. Now, sit down and explain yourself at a respectful volume."

Jane looked down at her. Her inflamed temper was now waning. She straddled Maura's lap instead of sitting beside her, and she pressed her body incredibly close to Maura's. She looked straight into Maura's eyes before saying, "I thought you would be waiting at my apartment."

The tension in Maura's chest and shoulders visibly drained a little when she felt Jane move close. "I didn't feel like waiting in a dark apartment all night."

The comment really hurt Jane. She didn't like the mental image of Maura feeling lonely or sad waiting for her. She had always thought, until then, that she treated Maura very well. Now Maura was looking at her like she had neglected her, and emotionally that made her feel uncontrollably helpless. In vain she struggled to come up with words to match her feelings, but before she could speak Maura asked, "Why are you so bothered right now? Did you honestly sit outside my house and get drunk waiting for my boyfriend to leave?"

Jane still held Maura's book in one hand and she instantly threw it against the wall and screamed, "BOYFRIEND?"

Maura jumped, was scared, and instinctively wrapped her arms around Jane for protection. "Janie?" she whispered.

Jane pushed her back against the headboard and began to possessively kiss her. Maura melted against her, pliant except for the fact that she felt insanely dirty because she hadn't even showered since sleeping with Jacob no less than an hour before.

Jane continued kissing Maura and started to slide her hands up Maura's shirt, but Maura's resistance grew until she asked sadly, "What is it, Maur?"

"I'm ... just let me take a quick shower, Jane." She was nearly squirming from the shame she felt.

Two tears rolled down Jane's cheeks. When Maura saw this she grabbed Jane and started holding her tightly.

"Jane, baby, don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jane." She pushed her hands into Jane's hair. She pushed her mouth against Jane's ear, scattering kisses along the way, "I wish I had come to your place. I made a mistake. I made a mistake. Please," her voice broke, she was crying, too, "please forgive me. Come take a shower with me, and spend the night. I'm so sorry, Janie." And Maura was sorry. If she had previously realized that Jane would react this way, she wouldn't even be dating Jacob. She had needed to know the depth of Jane's feelings for her, and now that she knew she felt so ashamed of herself for toying with Jane.

Jane's head was laying against Maura's shoulder. She was still crying and still stubbornly trying to pretend she wasn't. Finally, she responded by asking, "Is he really your boyfriend?"

Maura sighed, hugged Jane fiercely and replied, "No, baby. No, he's not. I regret using that word."

Jane pulled back to look at Maura. "I regret how I acted this morning. I'm sorry. If you want to be with another woman, I'm happy for you. I'm happy you're that brave."

Maura was puzzled. "How dense are you, really, Jane? I want to be with ... you. Only you."

Jane started to smile. "Then what was that jackass doing here?"

"Giving me what you can't, I guess." Maura admitted sadly with her eyes averted.

"Maura," Jane started, voice wavering, "Look at me. I'm a wreck. I can barely handle this as it is. I can't add my family and Korsak and Frost and everyone at the station house and everyone we know to my problems right now."

Maura felt acutely embarrassed and pushed her face against Jane's neck to hide her sadness at Jane's words.

"I can't. I'm sorry, honey, I am really sorry. Do I want to be your girlfriend? ... Yes, honestly, I do. But I'm scared and I feel so insecure. I hate feeling that way. I can barely admit this to myself or you, so how can I admit it to my mother or yours?"

Jane was shaking and Maura began to pet her comfortingly. She hated hearing the insecurity and the frustration in Jane's voice.

"Maura, I will not lie to you. Because I cannot risk you. You are not allowed to leave my life, remember? So I can't say I'm ready when I'm not. I want to be the only one you go to bed with, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you. And I see how that is unfair of me, but I can't lie to you."

She felt Maura kissing the side of her face gently and she finally leaned totally against Maura's body so she could hold her.

Maura did not know what to say. Just that morning she had felt like the mature one where Jane was the child, and now their roles were reversed. She hated herself for the fact that she had done exactly what she promised not to. Although she hadn't directly intended to, she had asked Jane for something she wasn't ready or able to give.

"That's fine, Jane. Really." She kissed her again, forgivingly. "I understand you. Thank you for being honest with me."

Jane was really surprised by that. She had never been in a relationship past this point. Generally when anyone saw her emotionally volcanic and reckless behavior, they ran for the hills. She hadn't only shown up at Maura's house acting like a drunken, jealous assface, but she had proceeded to throw things and finally cry and admit she was an emotional coward. How could Maura honestly have any patience left? Jane thought she should rightly be cussing her out and throwing her out of the house.

"You ... forgive me?" Jane asked, dumbfounded.

"Of course," Maura kissed Jane's lips. "I love you," she said because it was the simplest explanation.

Jane only stared at her lamely. She did not expect to hear those words. "You love me?"

Maura sighed. She knew this moment was going to come. She kissed Jane fully. "Yes."

Jane started to cry again, "Why? I'm an insensitive jerk. I'm volatile, jealous-" she was cut off by Maura biting her bottom lip.

They kissed for a while, and finally Maura pushed Jane off her lap and stood. "Please take a shower with me?"

Jane looked up at her. She looked gorgeous despite being drunk and having her cosmetics rubbed all over her face from crying and making out. "I love you, too."

Maura stood staring in disbelief. She had never allowed herself to hope Jane really returned her feelings. The first time she had looked at Jane Rizzoli she had felt herself falling endlessly in love with her, and always she thought it was a hopeless venture. Secretly she had cried so many times from the pain of forcing herself not to hope Jane would ever say those words.

Jane stood and put her hands on Maura's face to pull her into a fierce kiss. When she pulled back Maura was crying.

"The ... shower."

They only kissed and held each other in the shower and back in the bed. It had been six months since they slept in the same bed without having sex. In the morning Maura woke up with Jane still wrapped in her arms. She laid there for a long time before Jane woke up, thinking about how lucky she was and how in love she was with Jane Rizzoli. She knew that no matter how long it took Jane to get comfortable with the idea of changing their relationship, and there was always the possibility she never would, she would have to wait patiently and remember how brave Jane was being for her.

For the briefest time the night before she had felt like she might lose Jane, and the mere thought was unbearably frightening. She knew they had to be more careful, which meant a lot more honesty and somehow even more courage. Suddenly smiling at the thought of what Jane had told her, she pulled Jane close and kissed her head.

"What are you thinking?" Jane asked, startling Maura.

"I didn't know you were awake," Maura said dumbly, not knowing how comfortable Jane would be recalling the night before or if she should mention all they had talked about.

Jane kissed Maura's breast beneath her face, and looked up at her. "Good morning, beautiful." She smiled then, sadly but with growing brightness.

Maura returned her smile, and felt warmness spreading in her body again. Now reality felt comfortable, in the serious light of day with Jane naked against her and smiling.

"I dreamed," Jane laughed, and Maura was grateful for something light to talk about, "that we got married." She snuggled close to Maura, and moved her hips slightly on top of Maura's thigh. "We had children and everything."

Maura suppressed a moan at the feeling of Jane's thighs against hers. Her chest grew warm and self consciously she thought she was probably pretty wet from having been awake watching Jane sleep for nearly an hour. She felt Jane's fingers move lightly against her hip, and she made an encouraging sound in her chest.

"Were you happy? In the dream?" Maura found herself scared to ask, scared to know how serious Jane was. Newly she had known Jane loved her, and it filled her stomach with wild butterflies to hear Jane talking about spending their entire lives together.

Jane slid against Maura's thigh and earned a happy moan from her. She returned to look into Maura's face while she moved against her. She hadn't answered Maura's question yet but they were smiling while they rocked and caressed each other's bodies. Soon Maura lost herself watching Jane move against her and rubbing Jane's back encouragingly. As Jane's orgasm came near she kissed Maura sweetly and looked into her eyes before saying, "I was happier than I ever thought I could be."

That earned her ten fingernails in the back as Jane pulled Maura over the edge with her. Maura had known she was getting close, but she didn't expect Jane to say something so fucking sweet and jerk on her heart like that. Jane slid two fingers inside Maura and rocked rapidly against her as Maura still fiercely dug her nails into Jane's back. Dimly she wondered which of them was screaming.

They woke up again two hours later, and although it had been a horrible night and an incredible morning, they found that they didn't have a lot to say. Somehow, by some blind miracle of the universe, they had found the courage to say it almost everything already.

"Maur?" Jane asked before leaving that afternoon, "What about ... the rules?"

"I'm not sure. How do you want to proceed? The rules were for our protection, and we should keep that protection until we both feel safe without it. But I think it's obvious that we broke the rules."

"No more rules. I can't ask you to wait, but I do want you to know I'm trying to move toward ... knowing what I really have to offer you."

"I've already told you, Jane, I want whatever you can offer me. I don't want you to change for me."

"No, I think you deserve more than I can give you, Maura, and I want to change that. I want to deserve you, but I don't right now."

"Don't say that." Maura moved to hug her. "I want to wait. I want to wait even if you can't offer me anything."

Jane felt so grateful. She had no idea how Maura made her feel so safe when she hadn't done anything right and didn't really deserve it.

"I love you, Maura. No more rules. I'll never leave your life, no matter what. I'll know soon how we should proceed. I won't make you wait forever."

Maura thought she was going to cry again. She felt like a teenager. "I love you, too, Jane. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For ... letting me see the real you, for being in my life, for being my friend, for everything, baby. Everything."

Jane laughed and they kissed. "Don't, you'll make me cry again. I'll see you tonight?"

"Of course," Maura said happily. "I'll be waiting for you."


End file.
